“If you hire someone
to dig up dirt, they’re going to dig up dirt.”
Bob Warner (Season 2 of the television show 24)
It’s hard to be part of the police force these days. Most of what is reported about the profession
is unfavorable. And it can seem like
they focus on lesser crimes while neglecting larger crimes that seem to go
unabated. Who hasn’t heard some
variation of, “Why are they pulling me over for speeding 10 miles over the
speed limit? Aren’t there unsolved
murders they could be working on instead?”
It’s a tough gig when you’re just trying to do the job the law tells you
to do.
Home Owners Associations (HOA’s) get similar treatment. They are the “police” of subdivisions. Their job is to ensure that the neighborhood
rules are being followed, even seemingly minor ones.
BDF
Realty isn’t in the HOA business per se, but we do “work” with them
occasionally when we field their complaints on rental homes we manage. They’ll send us a letter (some affectionately
coin these letters as “nastygrams”) like below:
To whomever this may
concern,
We hope you are having
a great day!
And it must be a great
day for you because you get to sit inside munching on Cheetos and watching
Netflix while your neighbors deal with the unsightly vision of your empty
garbage can still sitting at the curb 3 days after collection! As our property values plummet, we all collectively
wish we could smash your face and wipe that snug, lazy smile from your cheesy
lips.
Sir/Ma’am, you are
worthless and weak. If your garbage can
is not rolled back to the house by 12/1, we will be forced to haul you in front
of our next HOA meeting/tribune and publicly shame you for your selfishness
(while fining you $100/day). You are an
unsightly blot on our fine subdivision.
If you have already
moved your garbage can, please accept our half-apology. It never should have come to this.
Have a wonderful week!
Love,
Your HOA
P.S. May God have
mercy on your soul.
P.P.S. Please join us for crackers and hot cider at
the clubhouse on 12/8 for our “Holiday Meet
& Greet” with a “Frosty the Snowman” theme.
Prizes will be awarded for the best snowman/snow-woman/snow gender-neutral
costume. Look forward to seeing you!!
(Author’s Note: the letter above might not be verbatim, nor
closely resemble an actual HOA correspondence)
So why even have an HOA if it is a bother? At the end of the day, they are being paid by
YOU to police YOU. They don’t have to
exist; certainly not all neighborhoods have them. HOA’s, as the police, are only around because
members of a subdivision/society choose them into existence.
So what good do they do?
HOA’s are nice when you have a problem with a neighbor that you can’t
call the police for. They are painting
their house pink. They are building a
shed bigger than their house. They are
putting on a chain link fence with barbed wire while everyone else has a white
picket one. Their garage has paint
peeling off and is an eyesore. They
don’t pay their pool fees. They never
bring in their garbage and recycling cans…
HOA’s, like the police, can seem annoying when they get into
your business. But it is nice to have
people to call when you need them. So when
you see your HOA management representatives at the “Holiday Meet & Greet”,
compliment them on their well-rounded snow costumes and bring them a cup of hot
cider. They are there to help you!
Happy Landlording!
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