“100% Guarantee For Your Rental Home!” Delightful or Sour?

 

Tommy:  Here's how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.

Ted:  Yeah, makes a man feel good.

Tommy:  'Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.

Ted:  What's your point?

Tommy Boy (1995)

 

My 9-year old son was eating frozen blueberries a few weeks ago and started to complain about them.  “They’re so sour!  Gross!” 

 

I advised him, “Well, that’s too bad.  You get some good ones, and you get some bad ones.  It’s the way life goes…”  Then I patted myself on the back for imparting some timeless, Forest Gump parenting advice.

 

Sometime later, he complained again- and then three or four other times after eating these blueberries.  Finally, I grabbed the package off the table and saw it was the “Great Value” Wal-Mart brand.  My eyes narrowed on the “Great Quality.  Great Price. Guaranteed.” guarantee printed on the back.   Verbatim, it read:

 

If for any reason you aren’t happy, we’ll replace it or return your money.  Whichever you prefer.  All of you need is the package.  It’s that simple.  Guaranteed.

 

Now was the time to teach my son about the advantage of paying attention and reading the fine print!  “Son, we’re going to Wal-Mart and you’re going to take care of it.”  “Dad, are you sure we can bring this package in and they’ll give us the money back?  I’ve already eaten half of them…”  “Yes, son.  It’s that simple.  Guaranteed!”

 

After my son negotiated that he could keep the $2.99 windfall and put it towards a pack of football cards, he signed on to this gambit.  We drove over to Wal-Mart and, from a distance, I watched my son explain to the customer service person that the blueberries were sour and that he wanted a refund.  After a minute or so, he walked away from the counter, defeated, and let me know that we could swap it out for another bag of (sour) blueberries; there was no option of getting football card money instead.

 

Now Dad was sure there was a misunderstanding!  It’s guaranteed!  It’s simple!  And it’s a $2.99 charge to a multi-billion dollar conglomerate!  Well, yours truly fared no better when I approached the customer service desk and was promptly (but nicely) shut down.  If I didn’t have the receipt or credit card it was bought with, their hands were tied.  There was nothing that could be done.

 

Undeterred, as my young kids trolled the Wal-Mart aisles unattended, I called the #800 number that was located under the guarantee.  After a 14-minute phone call of providing serial numbers, date of purchase, and personal information, the customer service representative (who was also very nice) said that we would receive a $5.00 Wal-Mart gift card mailed to us within 2 weeks, but no cash.  When we got home, I sent a message through the “Great Value Guarantee” website and they referred me to the in-store customer service desk for any refund requests.   I wrote back saying that was where it all started!  Then I never heard back.  Ugh!

 

If for any reason you aren’t happy, we’ll replace it or return your money.  Whichever you prefer.  All of you need is the package.  It’s that simple.  Guaranteed.

 

The final scorecard read: (1) in-store visit, (1) 14-minute phone call, (1) web inquiry, & (1) 2-week wait for a $5.00 store credit.  So, obviously, it’s not that simple.  And it’s far from guaranteed.  And we are talking about getting $2.99 back from Wal-Mart which they explicitly stated was a sure thing on the package itself.

 

Great story!  But what’s your point?  What does getting a cash refund for a sour bag of Great Value frozen blueberries have to do with property management?

 

A lot, actually.  It’s about the danger of relying on corporate guarantees when picking vendors, especially in real estate.  Whether it is for home warranty insurance against bigger ticket items breaking down (HVAC systems, roofing, appliances, etc.), costly property management occurrences (eviction, pet issues, etc.), or just getting money back from poor work (a flooring vendor recently), it is difficult to get companies to honor them.  No company wants to pay (not even $2.99!) and there is always a reason why the guarantee doesn’t apply.  It’s frustrating, (super) time-consuming, and borderline unethical at times.

 

But that doesn’t stop them from being ubiquitous:

 

1. Home warranty companies: “If your HVAC system goes down and it can’t be fixed, we’ll buy you a new one!  It’s so simple.  Guaranteed!”   
2. Property management companies: “If there is an eviction or pet damage, we’ll cover the costs- It’s so simple!  Guaranteed!”
3. Wal-Mart: “If for any reason you aren’t happy, we’ll replace it or return your money.  Whichever you prefer.  All of you need is the package.  It’s that simple.  Guaranteed.”

 

Life is too short.  The best bet is to pick a company that consistently offers quality blueberries instead of trying to be compensated on the backend when they are sour.  Getting the $2.99 back is arduous at best, and unfortunately, usually fruitless.  Be wary of upfront guarantees and concentrate more on established track records of excellence!

 

Happy Landlording!